"When I get lonely these days, I think: so BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."
-Eat, Pray, Love
I have never really enjoyed being alone. As a small child, I hated going to sleep because that meant I was alone. Closed off from everyone by unconsciousness. This was scary for me. That meant that there would be no one in my terrifying dreams for me to run to. This also meant that if woke up in terror that I would still be alone tucked up in my dark room. I have always ran from loneliness.
In the past two weeks I have discovered the one fear that I haven't faced. Well that I haven't faced emotionally anyways. (I haven't gone skydiving or anything yet). I feel as if learning to be alone is the one emotional aspect that I haven't attempted to achieve.
I have covered most of the basics. For example, I can cope with nervousness. The stage feels home to me now. I can also cope with anger in a healthy way. I am my fathers child and let it go pretty simply. Another thing I know I can deal with is sadness. Watching my grandmother die in front of me and my best friend moving away my senior year taught me that I can definitely deal with sadness.
The problem is...I have never dealt with these issues alone. Until now.
Unfortunately most of this epiphany has to do with men. I wish I could say differently, but hey...that's just the way it is.
Since my 8th grade year I have mentally taken notes of all the qualities I wish for in a man. It was subconscious. Uncontrollable. This eventually led to not just note taking but dabbling. I mean, that's what you are supposed to do in high school, right ?
But once I experienced this companionship I didn't want to go back. Because of this, I have been in a relationship since I was 14. The first one was typical. It was my first boyfriend so of course I was lovestruck. We stayed together almost a good 2 years but naturally we grew apart and it became unhealthy...very unhealthy. The stress of this breakup...was...well...traumatic and overwhelming. I am almost embarrassed of this but it is what it is... I got Shingles (Definition: nerve freakout causing severe sores. Ex: usually people who get this are going through a divorce). This is because I did not know how to adjust to being alone. The stress of this took a toll on my already not-so-fond-of-stress body.
Very shortly after, I began dating my best friend in the whole world. Let's say he was my Jacob (as cliche and cheesy as that is. I am team Jacob anyways). He really was my sunshine. So funny! He would make me laugh like no one else could! We had a lot in common too. Acting, reading, and laughing. Laughing was a priority for us. I really relied on him way to much for my happiness. This relationship taught me that I could heal from being badly hurt and find love again. He really loved everything about me...he even loved the things he hated about me. If that makes any sense at all. Unfortunately...all good things eventually end. As I mentioned earlier, he moved away the summer before our senior year. Sheesh. This tore both of us apart. Not only did the distance poison our relationship, but major life decisions and other relationships did as well. He would deny this up and down, but I really don't think his family adored me or anything. Also, jealousy became an issue because both of us had to continue living our lives... but it hurt the other in doing so because it meant we had to move on without the other. All of this made our love calloused and eventually it became unhealthy. I applied to his school of choice but sadly he did not apply to my first choice. And this made me begin to harbor anger because I felt as if he was not trying as hard as I was. Eventually we had to make a college decision, and it broke my heart to find out that we would not be reunited. All in all we dated on and off for about 1 year and a half or 2 years. This one was tough to measure. I may not have gotten shingles from this one, but I can honestly say that this love was real. Often times I just wish I could call him up and talk to him like we used to. I can honestly say I miss our friendship every day. I think he is the only person besides my family (by default) to just love me for me. The goofy, red-lipsticking wearing person that I am.
That summer...I went out on dates with, texted, and kissed boys I didn't even like looking to find a ray of sunshine that I once held. Once again, evidence of me fleeing from loneliness. Then amongst several flings (and when I say flings I mean innocent kisses) I kissed one guy who did not think of it that way. I distinctly remember kissing him and then him saying to me "I don't just kiss girls that I don't plan on dating". At that moment I was like...crap. But honestly he was just too good to pass up. I mean he had ALL of those qualities that I had been taking a mental note of since I was in 8th grade. He covered every SINGLE one on the list. Or so it seemed at the time. So like a fresh new ray of sunshine I took to him. He was like a knight in shining armor rescuing me from my pain. Our love was so...easy compared to everything else I dealt with. He lived only a few minutes from me...his family liked me...he was super cute...athletic...strong...driven...an eagle scout...and he could even talk business with my dad. I really did love him. Everyone in my family thought I was going to marry him but I never jumped to conclusions because I am not that kinda girl. I tell myself at the beginning of any relationship that your options to get out of the relationship are either breaking up or die so I wasn't jaded. THIS RELATIONSHIP WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE RIGHT?! Well yes, and no. No one is perfect and the relationship didn't stay easy. They never do.Honestly we both grew apart and had different needs that the other person could no longer fulfill. This one is still pretty fresh. I could really vent for another 500 words but I will choose not to. He was planning to move away in January for an internship anyways... so breaking up was in sight which just increased tension levels. All I am going to say is that like all the others it became unhealthy...extremely unhealthy, and we chose to end after almost a year and a half so we would work on ourselves. So I could work on the pieces of myself that he destroyed and probably vice versa.
I fault myself for remaining in a toxic relationship because I could have left anytime but I chose not to. I look back and realize that I was unwanted in that relationship and I would have rather been unwanted than be lonely. I recognize that there is something wrong with this picture.
It has been two weeks since this relationship ended, and I am happy. I need to repeat that to myself. I AM HAPPY. I am also simultaneously sad because I miss "us" (when we were good together at least). I see something that reminds me of him (like a snowboard, braves hat, or a chevy blazer) or hear the words logistics, boy scout, or "just sayin" and a sappy montage plays in my head. I do miss him a lot, but I do not miss the way I felt about myself in the relationship. But have I cried? No. Will I cry? Probably not.
Why? Because I am alone and it is a breathtaking, freeing, and yet scary. For the first time in almost six years I am just having to deal with myself. Alone. This has been a medication and an anxiety. But the more I take it the stronger I get.
I have a rule for myself and if you read this I would appreciate it if you held me to it.
My goal is that I no longer use anyone or anything as a scratching post for my unfulfilled yearnings. I will deal with my problems all by myself. I don't need anyone to fix me. I will fix myself. Also, I will not be in another relationship that attempts to tear me down or fix me up. I want to be loved just the way I am. But first I gotta fix myself up. To help me do this I am going to make a vow. My vow is that I will not text, date, or kiss anyone unless I am really interested. And I should not be at all interested until I am 100% completely happy being my alone-self.
So far the past two weeks I have done pretty well. I am bettering myself in as many ways as I know how. So here I sit...taking my figurative medication. It's a thursday night, and I sit here in my campus apartment. I am alone...and I mean completely alone. It's Christmas break on campus which means that it's like I Am Legend without the zombies and stuff. This being alone thing seems to be working so I guess I am going to keep this medication pumping.
So here I sit. Alone. And Happy.
