Dear Santa,

Christmas time is here. 

I want to shout and cheer.

I shopped so much, the time flew by.

My bank account is completely sucked dry.

All those tables I waited over summer.

My savings are gone and that's a huge bummer.

Christmas is what we have been waiting for.

Unfortunately now I am very poor.

I thought my minimum wage days were over and done.

The money I made, of which now I have none.

Old Kris Kringle, I've been sweet as honey.

So please for Christmas, bring me some money.

Word Vomit.

I am not going to hide it anymore.
I am angry.
There I said it. I can be happy with the way my life is going yet still be angry at the past, right? I am angry at a lot of people and situations.
It might even be healthy for me to admit that I am angry.  But it is unhealthy when I vomit up my anger in word form.

It's like I cannot stop myself from saying everything that is on my mind about the situation. . .

Why can't I be a person that just swallows angry words, God? I would not in any way, shape, or form consider myself to be mean. (Honestly, I am probably way too nice if anything.) But if someone asks me about a touchy subject...I get a little cray.

I take that as "they asked"...so I cannot hold myself back from giving a brutally honest answer. I usually turn up my nose at brutally honest. I have always felt you can sayanything in a nicer way...but sometimes no matter how you say it, it is still too much information.

Even though I am angry...I have got to stop word vomiting. It's just making me even more mad at the situation and myself.

My Medication

"When I get lonely these days, I think: so BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

-Eat, Pray, Love

 I have never really enjoyed being alone. As a small child, I hated going to sleep because that meant I was alone. Closed off from everyone by unconsciousness. This was scary for me. That meant that there would be no one in my terrifying dreams for me to run to. This also meant that if woke up in terror that I would still be alone tucked up in my dark room. I have always ran from loneliness.

In the past two weeks I have discovered the one fear that I haven't faced. Well that I haven't faced emotionally anyways. (I haven't gone skydiving or anything yet). I  feel as if learning to be alone is the one emotional aspect that I haven't attempted to achieve. 

I have covered most of the basics. For example, I can cope with nervousness. The stage feels home to me now. I can also cope with anger in a healthy way. I am my fathers child and  let it go pretty simply. Another thing I know I can deal with is sadness. Watching my grandmother die in front of me and my best friend moving away my senior year taught me that I can definitely deal with sadness. 

The problem is...I have never dealt with these issues alone. Until now. 

Unfortunately most of this epiphany has to do with men. I wish I could say differently, but hey...that's just the way it is. 

Since my 8th grade year I have mentally taken notes of all the qualities I wish for in a man. It was subconscious. Uncontrollable. This eventually led to not just note taking but dabbling. I mean, that's what you are supposed to do in high school, right ?

But once I experienced this companionship I didn't want to go back. Because of this, I have been in a relationship since I was 14. The first one was typical. It was my first boyfriend so of course I was lovestruck. We stayed together almost a good 2 years but naturally we grew apart and it became unhealthy...very unhealthy. The stress of this breakup...was...well...traumatic and overwhelming. I am almost embarrassed of this but it is what it is... I got Shingles (Definition: nerve freakout causing severe sores. Ex: usually people who get this are going through a divorce). This is because I did not know how to adjust to being alone. The stress of this took a toll on my already not-so-fond-of-stress body.

Very shortly after, I began dating my best friend in the whole world. Let's say he was my Jacob (as cliche and cheesy as that is. I am team Jacob anyways).  He really was my sunshine. So funny! He would make me laugh like no one else could! We had a lot in common too. Acting, reading, and laughing. Laughing was a priority for us. I really relied on him way to much for my happiness. This relationship taught me that I could heal from being badly hurt and find love again. He really loved everything about me...he even loved the things he hated about me. If that makes any sense at all. Unfortunately...all good things eventually end. As I mentioned earlier, he moved away the summer before our senior year. Sheesh. This tore both of us apart. Not only did the distance poison our relationship, but major life decisions and other relationships did as well. He would deny this up and down, but I really don't think his family adored me or anything. Also, jealousy became an issue because both of us had to continue living our lives... but it hurt the other in doing so because it meant we had to move on without the other. All of this made our love calloused and eventually it became unhealthy. I applied to his school of choice but sadly he did not apply to my first choice. And this made me begin to harbor anger because I felt as if he was not trying as hard as I was. Eventually we had to make a college decision, and it broke my heart to find out that we would not be reunited. All in all we dated on and off for about 1 year and a half or 2 years. This one was tough to measure.  I may not have gotten shingles from this one, but I can honestly say that this love was real. Often times I just wish I could call him up and talk to him like we used to. I can honestly say I miss our friendship every day. I think he is the only person besides my family (by default) to just love me for me. The goofy, red-lipsticking wearing person that I am. 

That summer...I went out on dates with, texted, and kissed boys I didn't even like looking to find a ray of sunshine that I once held. Once again, evidence of me fleeing from loneliness. Then amongst several flings (and when I say flings I mean innocent kisses) I kissed one guy who did not think of it that way. I distinctly remember kissing him and then him saying to me "I don't just kiss girls that I don't plan on dating". At that moment I was like...crap. But honestly he was just too good to pass up. I mean he had ALL of those qualities that I had been taking a mental note of since I was in 8th grade. He covered every SINGLE one on the list. Or so it seemed at the time. So like a fresh new ray of sunshine I took to him. He was like a knight in shining armor rescuing me from my pain. Our love was so...easy compared to everything else I dealt with. He lived only a few minutes from me...his family liked me...he was super cute...athletic...strong...driven...an eagle scout...and he could even talk business with my dad. I really did love him. Everyone in my family thought I was going to marry him but I never jumped to conclusions because I am not that kinda girl. I tell myself at the beginning of any relationship that your options to get out of the relationship are either breaking up or die so I wasn't jaded. THIS RELATIONSHIP WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE RIGHT?! Well yes, and no. No one is perfect and the relationship didn't stay easy. They never do.Honestly we both grew apart and had different needs that the other person could no longer fulfill. This one is still pretty fresh. I could really vent for another 500 words but I will choose not to. He was planning to move away in January for an internship anyways... so breaking up was in sight which just increased tension levels. All I am going to say is that like all the others it became unhealthy...extremely unhealthy, and we chose to end after almost a year and a half so we would work on ourselves. So I could work on the pieces of myself that he destroyed and probably vice versa. 

 I fault myself for remaining in a toxic relationship because I could have left anytime but I chose not to. I look back and realize that I was unwanted in that relationship and I would have rather been unwanted than be lonely. I recognize that there is something wrong with this picture. 

It has been two weeks since this relationship ended, and I am happy. I need to repeat that to myself. I AM HAPPY. I am also simultaneously sad because I miss "us" (when we were good together at least). I see something that reminds me of him (like a snowboard, braves hat, or a chevy blazer)  or hear the words logistics, boy scout, or "just sayin" and a sappy montage plays in my head. I do miss him a lot, but I do not miss the way I felt about myself in the relationship.  But have I cried? No. Will I cry? Probably not.

Why? Because I am alone and it is a breathtaking, freeing, and yet scary. For the first time in almost six years I am just having to deal with myself. Alone. This has been a medication and an anxiety. But the more I take it the stronger I get. 

I have a rule for myself and if you read this I would appreciate it if you held me to it. 

My goal is that I no longer use anyone or anything as a scratching post for my unfulfilled yearnings. I will deal with my problems all by myself. I don't need anyone to fix me. I will fix myself. Also,  I will not be in another relationship that attempts to tear me down or fix me up. I want to be loved just the way I am. But first I gotta fix myself up. To help me do this I am going to make a vow.  My vow is that I will not text, date, or kiss anyone unless I am really interested. And I should not be at all interested until I am 100% completely happy being my alone-self. 

So far the past two weeks I have done pretty well. I am bettering myself in as many ways as I know how. So here I sit...taking my figurative medication. It's a thursday night, and I sit here in my campus apartment. I am alone...and I mean completely alone. It's Christmas break on campus which means that it's like I Am Legend without the zombies and stuff. This being alone thing seems to be working so I guess I am going to keep this medication pumping. 

So here I sit. Alone. And Happy. 

The Ahh-CHOO Haiku

Winter at UT
Sickness is lurking about
Achoo! I've caught it...

It's all in the introduction...

According to Steve Harvey author of Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man if a man introduces you as his "friend" or by your own name only then you can be sure then that is exactly what you are. If there is no title attached you can be assured that it is going nowhere. Harvey says that men mark their territory and if he loves you or even likes you, he will profess it. If he introduces you as his "lady", "girlfriend", "fiancee", "baby's mother", "love", "wife"...something then you know he wants you as his.
I am really tired of girls not getting this. This is especially prominent at frat houses. It's pretty simple. If he introduces you as his friend or doesn't introduce you at all then don't expect anything to come out of it other than maybe shacking it with him. Hey... if that's what you want, I am not judging. All I know is that boys shack but men build homes. I don't know about you but I deserve a home...not some shack. It's true that every man's goal is to sleep with you... but we just have to find the man who is willing to jump through the hoops to get there. The great thing about being a woman is we get to define what our requirements or"hoops" are. Girls...don't be afraid to get some standards. Harvey says that by putting your requirements on the table we are taking a risk, but it is a risk we need to take. All to many women...especially college girls... let men put in the minimal effort while holding on to you because you are afraid he's going to walk away.

Okay I am getting off my soap box now. Let's just avoid this problem all together by investigating how he introduces you. I'm telling you...it's all in the introduction.

Sacrifice & Sitcoms

Probably similar to most of you I am a fellow fan of the TV series "How I Met Your Mother." After watching this show, I always find myself reflecting on one of the witty and insightful remarks that were made. This show is like a modern day mixture of Friends and Full House, and every time I watch it I feel the need to laugh and hug someone simultaneously. (anyone catch that full house hugging reference, or just me?) I watched a rerun of "How I Met Your Mother" the other day, and I caught a line Marshall said that I never noticed before. It was, "Being in a couple is hard. And committing and making sacrifices: it's hard. But if it's the right person then it's easy. Looking at that girl and knowing she is all you really want in the world." This really struck me. If you know me at all, you'll know I always say "love is sacrifice". Even though I say this all the time marshall made me realize that I need to do a gut check to see if I am truly applying my philosophy to my relationships. At that moment a montage of the relationships I get to observe in my life played in my head, strangely to the tune of Michael Bolton's When A Man Loves A Woman. I thought about my parents and how they so effortlessly sacrifice for one another. Dad doesn't care to mow a dozen extra yards for their beach trip that my mom so desperately needed. And even though my mom has eaten a sand which every day for lunch she will go to my dads favorite cheap sub place just to see him smile. I am so lucky that my parents love each other so effortlessly. They are a wonderful example of this kind of love. They demonstrate perfectly my philosophy.
The next frame in my montage goes to my brother and his girlfriend. After so many years of individual bitterness, when they are together all of that disappears. Even when they simply think of each other every worry is gone from their minds without effort (and often times this is what they must do because it is a long distance relationship, for now).  They are almost infatuated by one another, and they would do almost anything for one another without a second thought. They make loving each other seem easy as pie. Another couple to reinforce my theory. 
Lastly, my montage moved the best example out there. It moved to the fact that God loves me (and everyone else) this way. I mean, he sacrificed the ultimate for me out of love. Without a doubt, God wants me and would do anything to have me. GUT CHECK: I realize that I am not returning this love because I am not sacrificing enough! I can't even roll my butt out of bed every sunday morning for church. I go occasionally on wednesday nights and pray before meals and bed (if hunger and sleep don't get the best of me). Why did I stop reading my bible and writing in my prayer journal like I used to do every night? The truth is that God should be all I really want out of life because everything else will fade! Therefore, I need to fully commit and sacrifice for him, as he did for me. I need to seek him with everything I have until it becomes effortless.  Jeremiah 11:12-13  "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart". 
I try to treat my relationship with the Lord as a relationship with a dear loved one. And if I make this commitment of sacrificing more to the Lord then I should do the same with the other dear loved ones in my life. I realize that I do not always follow Marshall's advice with my boyfriend or my best friend. They love me...I mean really love me. And overall they want me in their life so they sacrifice for me always. Maybe not always effortlessly but mostly easily (haha). I really love them too, and I hope to selflessly sacrifice for them out of my love. I am 100% positively happy they are in my life, and I hope to keep them there for as long as possible. 


Thanks CBS and Marshall Erikson for making me do a gut check. I say that love is sacrifice, but now I need to prove it. 

A poem for the walking dead...I mean, college students.

It's 1 am on saturday night,
sitting here cozied up tight.
Shouldn't I be out having a ball?
Instead I'm in here having a homework brawl.
Working hard on my mountain of crap,
my laptops beginning to burn my lap.
No wonder we all look like slobs,
we sit for hours and turn into blobs.
UT owns my thoughts they're no longer mine,
I have also lost all concept of time.
Please God, help me through these treacherous days,
I am smothering in an awful homework haze.
This french, math, and lit are causing me strife,
please dear Lord...I need back my life.
I ask that you take this homework away,
oh...whats that?...Fall break is Wednesday?
Hallelujah in heaven and glory be!
Only a few more days till I can be free!
Well, I am closing my book now and going to bed.
Maybe soon, I won't resemble the walking dead.

Stop lights, wishbones, backbones, and sleazy pop stars.

Today as I was sitting at a red light when the person in front of me tapped the car in front of them. Next thing, I knew this lady was getting out of the car flailing her arms and shaking her head at the man in the car that bumped her. I could see her mouthing something like "hell nah...etc." Needless to say the lady's car was completely fine, and she was getting her panties in a wad for no reason. Not to mention, she looked like a flailing fool in the middle of the high way.
I began to think what I would have done in this situation. 
I would have probably gotten out, and been super concerned about the person rather than the car. I would have felt guilty for this poor soul that happened to be distracted for one reason or another. Even if it did scratch my paint a little bit, I probably would have let it go. Which is how it should be. Unfortunately, when there's bigger wrecks (metaphorically speaking) in my life I do the same thing. 
This is fine. I am nice. I will continue to be sugar and spice and everything nice just as I was taught to be. 
What isn't fine is that I am always nice. Sometimes I want to get my panties in a wad for something that is important to me. Sometimes I should flail about for something I am passionate about. Sometimes I should stand up and say "hell nah.." to things!
I mean even if that lady looked a little nutzo at least she let that guy know that she was passionate about her car that she probably saved up a long time for. 


Not only am I too nice, I always wish for everything to change so I don't have to. I wish the world was a safer and nicer place. I wish that disney was reality " I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat it and be happy..." (Where are all my Mean Girls fans?)
Ok ok...so that's a little bit extreme but I DO wish a lot, and I am tired of it. I am sick of only wishing that I could stand up to the critical bullies, the complainers, the negative nancys, the ungrateful nincompoops, and the selfish idiots. 

Elizabeth Gilbert said in Eat, Pray, Love "Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be..." and this is exactly my new goal. I will no longer only wish to stand up to those ninny's listed above, but I will do it. I will no longer hold back my thoughts, passions, and opinons for the sake of being nice.
You may think I am crazy...and you are probably right. But you may think I am even more crazy when I say that my inspiration for this goal is Ke$ha. Yes, the sleazy glittery pop star is who I am referring to. Why, you ask? In case you are worrying, I want to let you know I have no intention of becoming a trashy drunken mess. However, I do want to be like Ke$ha in the fact that she does and says what she wants to do and say... exactly when she wants to do and say it.
I aspire to be like her. Once again, not in the having no morals way ( even though, at times it seems like not having any morals would be much easier) but the being tough, passionate, and independent kind of way.
Oh, and wearing glitter all the time wouldn't be horrible either. ;)

Truth is, we are all a bit mad. Especially me.

If you are looking for this first post to tell you exactly what this blog will be about so you can see if you will be interested in returning, I'm sorry to let you down. I guess you are going to have to just come back and see...because I don't even know the direction I am taking this.

However, I did name my blog Logically Ludicrous for a reason and it might be an overarching theme throughout. The reason? Well I would like to think of myself as a logical girl--meaning I pretty much try to look at things from an objective and logical perspective at all times (note: this doesn't always work). I am also ludicrous because I am super extreme and silly. I throughly enjoy being crazy, dramatic, and goofy! I am pretty much a walking contradiction. I speak and think logically, but I act ludicrously (is that even a word?). 

But... The cool thing about a blog is that it doesn't matter if your thoughts are logical or ludicrous because they are no one else's thoughts but your own.  You can think or write whatever you'd like. You can contradict yourself, be extreme, vent, praise, or philosophize as much as you'd like. You can express any idea, feeling, truth, theory, or concept without it being changed. Unlike wikipedia, it can not be edited by anyone. A blog is like a diary but better. I know as a kid I could never do the whole diary thing. Why? Well, I am a bit ADD and I could not manage to keep up with it. Also, a diary is supposed to be a secret collections of thoughts and feelings...but I didn't want it to be secret. That was no fun. So I would always strategically leave my diary open hoping someone would pick it up and be interested in what I wrote. I did a ludicrous thing so someone would read my logical thoughts.

I am pretty much the same person today. Therefore blogging is perfect for me. Unlike a diary, I don't have to write everyday. Also, having online collection of thoughts and feelings might give me a bigger demographic than just my parents and my brother (well, maybe). 

I will be logical. I will be ludicrous. I will confuse you and myself. 

This will be fun.